Dear Oliver (and Hudson) – The Silverback

I don’t think people appreciate what a difficult job being a good father is, especially in today’s climate of “healthy masculinity”. In many families, the father is expected to be the principal wage earner, a devoted spouse, and a loving parent—dispensing wise counsel with a firm (but not too firm) hand.

The model for my own father’s generation was very different. My dad was more like the gorillas I once worked with. Mature male gorillas are about twice the size of females (weighing up to five hundred pounds) and have a saddle of gray or silver hairs on the lower part of the back. They are called “silverbacks”. The silverback makes all the decisions for the troop. He mediates conflicts and he is responsible for the safety and well-being of the family. But, oddly enough, gorillas don't fight with each other very often. They use ritualized displays that include standing on two legs, running sideways, throwing vegetation, and chest-beating with cupped hands. These impressive displays of agitation usually end with a sidelong glance at the offender that might, in modern parlance, be called a “stink-eye”.

I learned how to be a father from my dad, just as you’ll learn from yours. Actually, my dad and yours are pretty similar. My dad was a craftsman, working as a plasterer. He built things that are still standing today. Your dad also builds places of permanence in which people live. He owns his own construction company, drives heavy equipment, and welds steel. But I’ve also seen him feed baby bottles to you and your brother, change your diapers, and allow you to sit on his lap while he watches a Formula One car race.

A good man—like your dad—has a sense of responsibility for his family and friends. He is a man of his word who rejects any form of abuse; who is sensitive and understanding; and who follows the Biblical admonition from Micah 6:8: “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

You and Hudson are fortunate to have him. You would do well to observe him closely and follow his example.